Making Time

I think I’m stuck in a rut.  The past few weeks have been particularly trying for me. Because even though school is finally back in session and I actually have down time most days, I’ve had a lot going on.  School started on the 5th. The first week is always rough, and this time around our kids had trouble staying asleep all night that first week, so along with working until 1am some nights, I also wasn’t getting sleep  between 1am and 7am.  Then on the 15th we got news that my Grandpa wasn’t doing well and had asked people to come visit him. I took my kids over that day, and it was hard to see my amazing grandfather so frail, but I’m glad I got to sit and hold his hand for a while. He passed away in his sleep on the night of the 18th, and from there it was all about getting babysitters for the viewing and the funeral and making sure I didn’t have tears streaming down my face when I delivered pizza to customers.  We had guests for dinner one night, and a concert my brother was in another, we had a school Skateland Party, classmate birthdays, parent-teacher meetings, and finally a day-long doctors appointment that was super necessary and I’m grateful we got through it, but also super stressful and a lot to take in.  Then my grandpa’s funeral was yesterday, (plus a lot of other stuff going on) and you’d think I would’ve been cried-our by this point, but NO. It was a long day, we had many places to be, and finally I was able to end the night with an awesome friend taking me to dinner and allowing me to just talk freely about so much and feel like a normal person for a couple hours.  I woke up today feeling sore all over. My body and brain are mush, and I do t even know if the crazy is over yet. All I know is I have a night of nothing scheduled, and I want to do nothing except sleep. Then I got a call tonight from my store saying I was scheduled to work. What? I called back because I know I had checked the schedule three times to make sure I knew when they needed me, and I was positive I had Thursday off. Well, apparently the schedule had been changed between the last time I looked at it (Monday, the last time I worked) and today. And no one told me. Yet they expected me to be there. I’ll be honest, even if I hadn’t had the week I’ve had, I would be upset. But given how emotional my life has been the last week, I cried on the phone and told the manager I couldn’t come in tonight. Did I have plans? No. That was the idea. I need this night to recharge.  So, back to my opening statement.  I firmly believe that opportunities don’t come unless you’re moving forward. You’ve got to be on a path in order for things to come into said path, right? I’m not going to get an agent or sell any books unless I’m writing books. And every day I look at my lack of progress in my writing career and think, “Why isn’t anything happening?”  But I know why. It’s because I’m not “making time” to write. Because people who WANT to write will MAKE the time to do it, right?  I’ve really come to hate that saying.  Back when I had only two kids and no job and my anxiety was dormant and I was supported by my husband’s income, I was able to “make time” to write.  But now, I don’t have a choice but to fill my time with a bunch of things that aren’t writing.  I have four kids (it’s not a dozen, but it’s a lot). I work a job from home during the day *and* one outside the home at night to help support our family. My anxiety is manageable, but there are always bad days. Finances are stressful, even when they’re not debilitating. Family is stressful even when I love them with all my heart.  The fact is, my days and nights are filled with so much stuff that any down time I have is used either sleeping or just letting my brain rest from all the mental stress of organizing, list-making, double checking, and feeing frustrates that things still fall through the cracks.  There’s got to be a problem when you can drink 36oz of Dr Pepper before 11am and then sleep from 11-1.  I want to make time to write. But I have nothing blocking my creativity right now except Life Happenings, and unfortunately real life has to take priority over my imaginary ones. I still manage to find a few hours most weeks to write, but nothing as consistent or regular as I would like. And that’s frustrating to me.  I’m not writing this to ask for advice, really. I know the problem, and I’ve accepted that I can’t really fix it right now. It’ll take time. I need to look at my life and decide what I can keep and what I need to let go of. That’ll be hard, but I think it’s time for some solid self examination. Because I can’t continue to function with this level of activity and stress.  Thanks for listening ❤️ -DC 

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